Pickles
by xsoccer4ever
Summary: Harry, Ron, and Herminone are off to satisfy their everlasting longing for some pickles. Warning: This Fanfic is the result of being on Fan Fiction and being high on pickles at the same time.
1. Chapter 1

Harry and Ron and Hermione were walking along the Hogwarts grounds one day. They were talking about pickles. JUICY pickles. They finally made themselves want some pickles so they went into the castle to get some pickles.

When they got into the castle to go to the kitchen, Dobby the house-elf was standing in front of the door.

"Move your ass, Dobby," screamed Hermione.

"DON'T YOU TALK TO HIM LIKE THAT!" screamed the gargoyle in the shape of a pickle next to the Cheese-Making Room.

"SHE WILL TALK TO HIM HOWEVER SHE LIKES!" said Ron. His face was a turquoise-reddish color from him being so mad. (A/N: Don't try to picture that color in you mind because it will hurt your brain a lot. I know. I tried.)

Anyway after Harry broke up the fist-fight between Ron and the gargoyle, which was no longer shaped like a pickle anymore, but it was still green so it still made Harry, Ron, and Hermione hungry, they finally got to the kitchen to get a pickle.

It was dark.. Not very dark, like pitch-black dark, but it wasn't broad daylight, but it wasn't REEEALLY dark and it wasn't light, it was like a dim-lighted sort of color, yeah. So the three of them went searching for that damn pickle they've wanted for a whole 26 minutes now but haven't gotten it.

They were growing very sad. They couldn't find a pickle. Not one. Then they found some cake but they didn't want cake. They wanted pickles. Duh.

All of sudden, Harry noticed that Dobby was standing alone in a corner of the kitchen, whimpering.

"What's the problem, Dobby?" Harry asked.

"Oh, great Harry Potter, Dobby is forbidden to give Harry Potter and his loyal friends pickles of any sort. Not Dill, nor farm, nor any kind of pickle. It was ... it was..." Dobby's voice trailed off.

"It was WHAT you little short BASTARD?" Hermione said, and made the spoon lying on the table laugh hysterically until the knife laying next to it got up and cut the handle off of the spoon.

"Ouch." said the spoon.

"Ya know, if you were sharper like me you'd know that fun-size packets of M&M's were square instead of rectangle," said the knife fiercely to the spoon.

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!" ordered the fork, who was turning a very metally shade of silver. Oh, wait. Never mind.

Anyway.

Harry was wondering why Dobby hadn't given them the pickles already. They wanted them. How could he keep his dear pickles away from him?

"Dobby, how could you keep my dear pickles away from me?"

But before Dobby could answer, they heard loud, strange noises coming from the table. Everyone was scared, but they all decided to check it out as a brave group.

The foursome turned the corner slowly, slowly, all having pictures in their minds of what could be behind the table.

Harry thought it would be Malfoy staring down Dumbledore yelling "Sarcasm! Sarcasm you old man! When I said , "No, I would NEVER want to seduce YOU, Dumbledore I was being SARCASTIC." Damn that would give me nightmares, Harry thought.

Hermione's prediction was about Professor Finch giving her a T on a test. The thought of it almost made Hermione faint.

Dobby thought about his master being on the other side and whipping him. Even though it happened almost every hour of his life when he was a slave, he still feared the day when Lucius Malfoy would whip him across the stomach again.

Ron was thinking about that pickle.

Finally, all together they turned the corner to find ... the spoon and the knife? What was so scary about that?

But then, all of a sudden, the knife lunged itself at the spoon and pinned it to the ground. They were making out.

Now that was scary.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" everyone screamed, even the pickle-shaped gargoyle.

Harry, Hermione, Ron and Dobby ran as fast as they could out of the kitchen and up to the Gryffendor common room. Unfortunately pickle-shaped gargoyles do not move very much so the poor statue had to witness the whole thing. Poor little gargoyle.

In the common room, Harry was saying to Dobby, "So, why can't you give us pickles again? We really want them.

"Because, Mr. Potter, Dobby has been ordered by Malf-" Dobby was cut off by the sudden urge to split his head open on a dresser drawer.

"DOBBY STOP IT!" said Hermione. He stopped.

"Okay I'll tell you. Lucius Malfoy ordered Dobby to not give Harry Potter and his friends pickles because the pickles belong to the Drank Lord! They are evil, Master Harry Potter."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione all had stern looks on their faces.

"Malfoy," they said darkly in unison.

The three of them, without Dobby, who was busy intentionally injuring himself, went to the Malfoy house and together they murdered that whole Malfoy family. With the blood of Lucius Malfoy they wrote on the wall, "NEXT TIME GIVE ME MY PICKLES."

Hermione snuck away with a cup of blood, unable to control herself.

"THE DIAMETER OF 4 COOKIES MELTED TOGETHER IN THE SHAPE OF A Q-TIP EQUALS THE SQUARE ROOT OF 49 LEMON-FLAVORED BOWLING BALLS." is what was written on the wall of Draco's room.

"Hermione, let's go!" the boys shouted. Hermione came down gigging histerically. Harry Rom figured it was something girls do when they've just finished murdering people and then writing stuff of the wall with blood.

The they were bored.

So they decided to go into the Malfoy's refrigerator and see what was in there. What do they find but pickles.

"Ya know, guys," said Hermione thoughtfully, "I don't really feel like having pickles anymore. I really want some pretzels."


	2. Chapter 2

**I wrote Pickles a couple of days ago and I decided to write the second chapter for everyone: Pickles and Pretzels. Please review! Okay I know saying Please review! Doesn't influence anyone to review but I like feeling special when people review, and I got FIVE WHOLE REVIEWS LAST TIME! You don't know how psychopath I feel right now. Enjoy Pickles and Pretzels.**

**Boy meets sponge, boy loses sponge, boy gets a bad haircut, other boy and girl sing karaoke. I also have to say ... I spy something lime green. Your grandma's hat!**

**Pickles and Pretzels: The Story After Pickles. **

"Do you think Malfoy is a blueberry pie or a cherry pie?" Said Ron. His friends both looked at him like he was mad.

"PUDDING!" Harry and Hermione screamed.

"Oh."

"Well, at least he's dead now. With ridiculous writings on his wall..." Harry pointed out.

Hermione gagged. "Malfoy makes me wanna salsa."

"Let's go get some pretzels," suggested Ron.

"Nahh, but do you wanna play a game?" asked Harry.

"DUCK DUCK GOOSE!" Ron said.

"Duck duck goose is the most perverted game ever made up by a toddler, Ronald," Hermione shook her head.

The Spongebob came out of the forest singing, "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" _That is the sexiest thing I've ever seen, _Harry thought as his drool hit the ground.

Harry ran after the mysterious yellow sponge. He had always thought square was the hottest shape, but no one was ever square-shaped enough for Harry's liking, until today.

"Come back here, sexy," called Harry.

Spongebob turned around and batted his ridiculously long eyelashes at Harry.

Meanwhile, back at the castle where Ron and Hermione stood alone...

"So. We're alone. All by ourselves. Alone. Nobody's here. Nobody. Alone. Alone alone alone. Alone. Alone alone. Alone." (A/N After saying the word ALONE a lotta times it sounds funny. Also, say the word "gallon" 20 times in a row. You'll crack yourself up.)

"Wow. The author is such a loser," Ron pointed out.

"Ohmygod, I know," whispered Hermione.

Gallon gallon gallon gallon gallon gallon gallon gallon-y gallon gallon GALL-OON gallon gallon gallon HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! She was right! Gallon is a funny word."

"Okay, okay, Ron, you were saying before..."

"Oh, yeah, I was saying...Alone. Alone alone alone. Alone alone-"

"Yeah, we're alone." said Hermione.

"So do you wanna..."

"You're surely not suggesting that we..."

"Oh yes. Yes I am."

"KARAOKE!" they yelled in unison.

"I CALL THE BARRY WHITE CD!"

"I CALL THE WIGGLES SOUNDTRACK!"

"Hey, Hermione! You got to sing the Wiggles last time!" said Ron.

"But I called it first, loser," Hermione said plainly, examining her fingernail.

"DAMMIT!"

"Fruit salad, yummy yummy, fruit salad, yummy yummy," sang Hermione.

"You're the first, you're the last, my everything!" Ron screeched.

Out of nowhere an orange and purple polka-dotted cat leaped onto Ron's face and scratched it up good. Hermione continued to sing "In the Wiggles world, in the Wiggles world..."

(A/N This is a poem I found the other day that I found rather funny.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some marijuana.

Jack got high and dropped his fly and said, "Do you wanna?"

So Jill said yes and dropped her dress

And then they had some fun

But silly Jill forgot her pill

And now they have a son.

Now back to the story.

Hermione realized that Ron was being tortured buy a cat so she ran over to him and said, "Ron! Your face! It's..."

Ron was preparing a "YOUR MOM!" comeback for whatever Hermione said next, but he had no idea that she was going to say...

"Hot."

"YOUR MOM!" yelled Ron.

"Uhh...You think my mom is hot, Ron?" said Hermione. This is awkward, thought Hermione.

"No, but...STACY'S MOM! HAS GOT IT GOING ON!" Ron sang loudly. Despite the pain of his face he was still in a Karaoke mood.

Back at the forest with Harry and Spongebob...

"So, how long have you been square?" Harry asked.

"For as long as I can remember," said Spongebob

"I really like the color yellow..."

"I really like the shape of a lightning-bolt..."

**(A/N Then some other stuff happens but I don't wanna say it because...whatever.)**

"My socks are too long."

"I'm not wearing socks."

"Oh, yeah, me neither."

"I like the smell of my wallpaper."

"Don't you think Mr. Quaker Oats and Aunt Jemima would make a good couple?"

"Glass is not bendable."

"I bent glass once."

"That was rubber, genius."

"How do you know?"

"I know everything."

"Have you ever worn pants?"

"Well...no. Have you?"

"Never."

"Good. Now I don't feel so bad."

"Is today the 46th?"

"No, it's the 44th."

"Thanks."

"Who are you writing to.?"

"The president. We have to do something about this damn country."

"What's wrong with it?"

"There's too much of the color red around. I'm asking him to paint everything a blueish color for me."

"He's not gonna do that."

"Yes he is."

"No he's not."

Yes, he is."

"How do you know?"

"I went skinny-dipping with him once."

"Ew."

"I want a haircut."

"I'll cut your hair."

"Okay. Don't cut it too short though. I read that orange hair can turn sea weed green if it's cut too short."

Hermione gave Ron a buzz cut.

"You loser!"

"What?"

"You gave me a buzz cut!"

"So?"

"So now my head's gonna turn sea weed green!"

"...So?"

Then Ron's head turn sea weed green.

"That's hot." said Ron.

"Let's go get Harry and Spongebob now."

"Okay."

So Ron and Hermione skipped merrily to the fields while eating pickles on the way because they thought that if they didn't eat any pickles soon than the title would have nothing to to with the story that they were in.

"What about the pretzels?" asked Hermione.

"Ah, how about some more karaoke?" said Ron.

So Ron and Hermione skipped merrily to the fields while eating pickles and singing Whitney Houston and met up with Harry and Spongebob.

Everyone stopped suddenly and faced the camera, smiling.

"Well, that's all for now, folks!"

"We'll see you next chapter, where we'll be starring wearing orange pants, eating overly-salted pizza and taking on a racoon!"

With that, our favorite group of friends got on their unicycles and rode off into the sunset.

**Well, that's my stupid way to end a chapter. But hey! I'm sure I'll think of something stupider, simply because I'm ... Lauren. This is the author of Pickles, saying, "Go to Burger King and get fat cause you're all gonna die anyway."**


	3. Chapter 3

**To the People Who Like Pickles **

**My Pickles story was just something I wrote because I wanted my pen name to be known before I put out my new fic thats going to be loooong because I love long fics. It's about how Harry, Ron, and Hermione are turned into toys one day, where they experience vacuums, mistreatment, and not being able to talk to their roommates, or anyone else. Ron finds Hermione quite attractive as a doll, go figure. Plenty of that. Ron meets his old friend Mr. Scribby, the stuffed bunny, in the vacuum when Seamus one day decides that the dorm needs a good cleaning. It'll be quite funny, don't worry.**

**Lauren**


End file.
